This isn't really an entry but Lola made a Neocities to talk about you-know-who, who she's now decided to call Angel. We realized that a lot of the, um, appreciation for him is coming from her. I don't know how good it'll be for her but hey, at least she isn't bitching at me anymore. Here it is, if anybody wants to check it out and psychoanalyze her.

i ended up leaving work early yesterday because my migraine got so bad that i was crying and throwing up lol... it lasted until 7am this morning, 16 hours straight. lola switched in to deal with the last bit of it and she just prayed until the body eventually fell asleep because it literally felt like we were dying. i woke up at nine and luckily it was gone! no pain now, just super tired with an achy back from being curled over in fetal position for so long. i hate migraines... i went to the doctor the day before yesterday and she offered to prescribe me medicine for my anxiety. i opted out but now im really thinking that i shouldnt have, especially since my migraines are usually anxiety-based. i have two days off work though which is good because im in desperate need of some r&r. anyways im about to go get cake i might update later. bye.

today sucked. so bad. ive been fading in and out all day, i keep blanking and not remembering anything, my head fucking hurts like i got shot (i love getting migraines /sar), im stupidly dissociated, and im also hungry but the thought of eating makes me wanna puke. actually i just kind of want to puke in general. ok so heres a list of shitty things that have happened today: i overslept, i almost set my kitchen on fire because i dissociated while cooking and very nearly gave myself an asthma attack breathing in the smoke, i got called into work early so i had to rush out the door thus not having the chance to do literally anything i needed to do (my skin is already red and puffy from missing my skincare, ill probably get pimples tomorrow bc my acne can be insane sometimes. i barely even got the chance to brush my teeth), my dog was an asshole for no reason, work sucked, i have a sore on my lip that hurts so bad, one of us im not even sure who but one of us just decided to impulse buy and completely blew through our money, and everybodys been fighting over front so much that weve been switching constantly all day. i dont even know whos been fronting. we havent really gotten amnesia-amnesia in ages, but sometimes we get greyouts and today has basically been one big greyout. lately ive been thinking about how almost all of the people that are afab in my family have been diagnosed with bpd except myself and ive started comparing my experiences to theirs. mine are way more lowkey but the similarities are there... we thought that we might have had npd for a while because some alters show very narcissitic and even antisocial traits but. then i realized that both of those can also be symptoms of bpd. im.... very certain that we have bpd now. which is scary because ive seen the way bpd impacts my mom and my sister. i might start therapy again soon, if i get the opportunity. especially since i dont think its too far fetched to call dee my fp, or at least something similar to a favorite person. idk i cant think too hard about this rn my head hurts too much. im glad that like... basically nobody has access to this, it makes me feel a lot better about sharing and letting some of this stuff out instead of keeping it all in until i explode which is. def something i have a history of. anyways. bye

I've been exploring a lot of different aspects of religion lately. So, we have OSDD, and a number of our alters have differing religions. We have three Christain alters (that follow totally different denominations), a non-theistic satanist, and a theistic luciferian, along with athiests and alters that practice individual spiritual practices. It's certainly an mix. Speaking of OSDD, we were originally going to make a seperate Neocities to post about that type of stuff... then I remembered that we're usually too blurry to realize when we switch, and even when we do, we typically don't realize we've switched until after the fact.. haha. So I guess we'll all be posting on here. I mean, I'm certainly not MJ... but I'm posting here anyways. I hope he doesn't mind. Anyways, we've been working on changing our appearance a lot lately. I cut our hair last night (or maybe the night before last) and gave us bangs. It makes us look way more feminine, which most of us like. Lola and Elise have been arguing over if we should dye our hair black or blonde. I think black is the best option. Changing the subject here but Dee has been talking to me a lot lately. He's really fun to talk to but,,, I dunno. I've been taking steps to put a bit more distance between us. I really hope this pays off because I am going insanneeee. I'll probably update this later tonight at work if I can think of it because I have a lotttt more to say.

(For some reason I forgot to change the date when I posted this... I dunno the day that I made this on) ok i wanna preface this entry by saying that, if it ever disappears, you didnt imagine it lol. if the guy i talk about ever finds this i might breakkkk so ill probably end up deleting it ?? not just because of that but because i overshare a lot. im not really nervous about oversharing on here because nobody that i really know has access to my neocities (except for the person that got me into this site in the first place xd hiii) anyways. i have obsessive tendencies which is definitely something to deal with! they used to be really bad. i was obsessed with one of my friends which led to our friendship not only being toxic but to me just kind of,,, accepting cruelness from her that i probably shouldnt have. were on good terms now and our relationship is wayyy healthier on both ends (mostly, at least) which is great!! after that, i started focusing more of my attention on fictional characters. it worked because i could project onto and control them as much as i wanted without it being an issue for anybody else. but,, i can kind of feel them returning and i dont know what to do. this time its with a guy that i barely know. i mean, hes sweet to me and everything, but i dont know-know him. i really, really like him though which scares me. i havent been truly romantically interested in anybody in... what, a year? maybe more? not since my ex boyfriend. i mean, i did date two guys after him, but they were short relationships and i think mostly just to get over him. it didnt work, by the way. my relationship with my ex boyfriend wasnt... the best? im not saying that it was bad but i think it was unhealthy. especially on my end because i totally adored him which, like with the friend i talked about earlier, led to me accepting mistreatment without even realizing it was happening at the time. actually me typing that was the first time ive ever admitted that he could really not be the best towards me at times. that seems to be a trend with me unfortunately. i dont know why. anyways, this isnt about him. this is about the new guy who ill call um dee. yeah, that works. so dee and i dont know each other super welllll? weve talked a few times. hes friends with (or at least knows) a lot of my friends. which embarrassingly kind of makes me jealous. i would never express that to them (which is why im posting it on here bc i need to get it out somehow) because lets be honest its so stupid but it still sucks. i have screamed out loud a couple of times because of him interacting with me directly... i find myself thinking about him alllll the time and i dont even know why. i mean. okay im gonna just start writing down things that i like about him just to work out what exactly is going on in my head. first of all hes nice to me!! hes very very sweet about my drawings and he just seems like a really good person. also hes just?? fucking cool??? like actually. hes pretty popular within the community that we met in so it kind of makes me feel like the chosen one whenever he pays attention to me lol. to the point that i will post things specifically catered to him just bc i want to talk to him... im too scared to ever reach out to him directly first so thats my method. hes a few years older than me (im an adult by the way so dont like. be worried in that regard) so i guess i kind of think of him as this cool older guy with so much more expereince that just like,, knows things. he overshares a lot too (albeit in a different way than i do but still) which kind of makes me feel closer to him than i actually am. i know that type of thinking isnt healthy by any means and that i need to correct it before it worsens the way it did with my friend but i dont know HOW. ive tried projecting onto fictional characters, even on ones that rmeind me of him, but nothing works. ive been seriously thinking about trying to go back to therapy just to try and work this out but im way too busy for that right now. maybe in a few months. im just going to whine about it on here for now because talking about it instead of ignoring it is very helpful and i think that itll help me not only work out the way im feeling but also keep me from doing something like messaging dee when i know im not in a healthy enough place to be pursuing a real friendship with him right now. id like to eventually but now really isnt a good idea. its not that i think hed be the type of person to take advantage of the fact that i adore him to the point of naivity but it isnt fair to expect him to just be chill with dealing with that ?? im not even expressing any of this towards him and i still feel megs guilty for even thinking about it. luckily he cant hear my thougts so hopefully a) i will get over it eventually when the next thing comes along and will move on in life without him even knowing or b) i will recover enough that we can befriend each other without my issues getting in the way and have a healthy friendship. hope its the latter. okay, im about to be done with this, but yeah. crazy fucking ramble as my first post in 2024... ugh.

happy new years! i have to work so no celebration for me :( im actually at work rn as im typing this, lol. im so fucking bored. i might be starting college next fall so... yeah. thats something. i hope things are okay this year. maybe ill make some money. i have a lot of things i need (or want) to buy and no money to buy them with xd although i did buy a couple of things for myself last night :) i only have a couple of hundred dollars left to my name which i think i should probably save until my finances are more consistent. just in case. no matter how badly i wanna spend it on a random shit lol. i get paid under the table which i mean. its fine. good even. but these paychecks are fucking ages apart so ive been job searching a bit more as of late. whatever, whatever, im not going to keep ranting about that. so anyways, i think im getting more distant of my family. not in a good way. i mean ive always been somewhat independent of them, especially when i was a kid, but lately its getting worse. literally everything they do annoys me lol. i swear im gonna lose it. i think its because im right at that age where im finally independent so im around a lot of people i normally wouldnt be allowed to and im doing a lot of things i wouldnt be allowed to. so im kind of realizing... how shitty the way im treated is. ive always known that its been shitty but idk. i guess looking at the way other people treat each other is really opening my eyes. i can escape to work though. or on my phone. also, ive never really thought of myself as truly impatient or aggressive or anything. but HOLY SHIT dude. ive been so angry lately like so much. omfg. like its not neccessarily unsurprising its just... you know, im usually pretty good at hiding that shit. not now. i thought the dissociation issues were done but i think theyre starting up again. its confusing. i feel normal for a while and then it all comes back. all of it. and im like wtf i thought we were done with this. anyways. i have to go. byeeee. i hope everybody who reads this has a really good 2024.